Why Is Connecting Harder Than Ever?

Watauga High School students connect during their lunchtime.

As humans, we’re programmed to want connection. Connection with others can lower anxiety and depression and help us build empathy. Due to conflicting factors including social media, time, and just not knowing what to say, connecting with people is harder than ever. How many conversations have we started with “How are you?” It's a thoughtful question to ask. But for some reason, what 80 percent of people say is “good.”

There it is: the conversational freeze up. Sometimes we wonder, “What do I say? Do they like me? Why isn’t the other person talking? What should I say next?” If this is you, I promise you are not alone. Almost everyone has felt this at some point. (If not, you may be a social superhero).

To answer these burning questions, we asked Ms. Turner, one of our school’s counselors, for her advice on this subject.

See the Q&A below:

Do you think it's harder to connect with people in an age of social media?

Ms. Turner: “It depends. Sometimes it's harder to connect with people who are not your immediate peers, because I notice that I am not as up-to-date on the latest technology. That can be a barrier for connection between adults and students. Peer-to-peer, [social media] can be good and bad. There are definite pros, but often, a lot is lost in translation, because when you are sitting in front of somebody, you can see how they feel when you're talking. When you are communicating through a device, you can't get as many context clues.”

Do you think in-person conversations can help us bond?

Ms. Turner: “Yes. Anytime you can connect with someone in-person, it is much easier to get a deeper, more meaningful conversation going. I think that it's hard for folks a lot of times. It can be intimidating, especially if you don’t know them very well on both a personal and a professional level. For me, body language and eyes tell me a lot about what's going on.

So if someone is not making eye contact with me, that's usually a signal that something else is happening that's making it harder to focus on what I'm saying.”

Do you have any conversation starters that have led you to interesting conversations?

Ms. Turner: “I mean, I usually say, ‘Hey what's going on? How are you? How's your day?’ I have found that the more I can listen, the better I connect. So when I'm talking, it's more so ‘Tell me about that. That sounds really interesting!’ versus asking a lot of questions or talking all the time. Think about open-ended questions versus closed-ended questions. For example: ‘How was your day?’...You're going to get nothing from that. However, ‘What does today look like for you? What's on your schedule?’ You're going to get a lot more information than [from] a closed-ended question.”

Are there other ways to say ‘How are you?’ that can lead to a more meaningful conversation?

Ms. Turner: “I think it's hard to start with a real deep conversation right off the bat. You could start with ‘It's good to see you today. What does your day look like? I've got a ton going on, but tell me about what you have got going on today.’”

It can be hard for a lot of people, including myself, to get past the first step of a conversation. How can we start deeper conversations and how can we get past that initial first step?

Ms. Turner: “What it sounds like to me is it’s a trust piece, and as hard as that is, a lot of that comes with time.”

Do you have any advice for someone who is having a hard time starting a conversation?

Ms. Turner:

“I think the first step is to find someone who you can approach. It's not always easy to approach everyone. Then, just be yourself, as funny as that sounds and as easy as it sounds to say it. We, as individuals, have so much value that until we get to sit down and talk to someone, we don't get to know it. The more we can be comfortable sharing our thoughts and opinions in a respectful way, the better we are as a whole. So each time someone takes the opportunity to sit down, even if the first question is ‘How was your day?’ and they say ‘fine,’ sometimes you have to share a bit first before the other person can feel safe sharing. You know, real-life stuff, but still surface-level. A lot of times, that can help you connect, because if you have commonality: pets, sports, and things that are more universal, sometimes these can lead you to a much better connection. One of my favorite things to talk about is the university I went to because I love NC state! It's wild to me how many people have a connection there. When I mention that or they notice the diploma on my wall, they're like ‘Oh my gosh! My uncle went there!’ or ‘My parents went there!’ or ‘I hope to go there!’ I can start a whole conversation on post-secondary planning that I wasn't anticipating.”

Conversation has a huge impact on how we view ourselves and others. It can unite people, it can bring us together and help us bond. Conversation can help us create long-lasting friendships, friendships stemming from just a one-minute conversation starter and simple listening.